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DIDGE - The View From Down Under

An Aussie’s ridgy-didge view of world affairs and popular culture.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Top 10 worst films of 2004

Here is my list of the worst films that were released in Australia in 2004.

#1 Man on Fire
Director: Tony Scott (Could someone please stick dynamite up Tony Scott’s arse and blow him up)

Denzel Washington plays the ridiculously named Creasy, a bodyguard hired to protect an American girl living in Mexico. When she is kidnapped he goes on a violent rampage to get her back. A disgusting lack of morals and techniques only seen in TV commercials made this piece of trash the worst of 2004.

#2 Dawn of the Dead
Director: Needs to die.

All I need to say is that the first five minutes probably ranks as the most disgustingly offensive material I have ever seen. See the original (it had brains along with the gore) and forget this absolute trash. Easily one of the most offensive films I have ever had the displeasure to see.

#3 The Polar Express
Director: Robert Zemeckis
Fascist American propaganda disguised as a kids movie. Oh, and the computer animation is awful. This hilarious quote is taken from chud.com: "It takes a special man to make an animated film about the corpses of people getting on a train to take a disjointed and creepy ride to the North Pole, only to discover that Santa's Workshop is really a giant industrial complex airlifted in from the Eastern Bloc and the elves are enslaved Hebrews. That man is Satan."

#4 The Terminal
Director: Steven Spielberg

Yes, it's a lousy pun, but The Terminal really was terminal. Tom Hanks plays Viktor Navorski, from a fictional European country. This country has just witnessed a coup and so Navorski’s passport becomes invalid. Which is a problem, since he has just arrived in America. He is told he must stay in the airport and ends up spending several months living in the airport. This is actually based on a true story, however the real thing isn’t at all cutesy and sentimental as portrayed in this horrible film. I’ve never really liked Spielberg (his best in my opinion is Duel) but really, this is so substandard had not a major name made this it would have certainly ended their career. Tom Hank’s accent is appalling.

#5 Cat in the Hat
Director: Bo Welch

I really don’t want to think about this, it was truly painful to watch.

#6 Gothika
Director: Mathieu Kassovitz

This film is Swiss cheese: it is filled with holes. The plot is laughable, the acting worse. Somebody needs to tell Hollywood to stop making crappy films that think they’re smarter than they really are.

#7 Catwoman
Director: Pitof (How f**king pretentious!)

Utter catastrophe. All I need to say is that Berry plays a woman who is brought back from death by ally cats. And the. Editing was. Absolutely dire. Why can’t. A shot. Last longer. Than a. Few seconds? After Gothika and this I doubt Berry still has a career. What happened to that intelligent actress from Monster’s Ball?

#8 Taxi
Director: Didn’t want to waste my time looking it up.

Take an enjoyable French movie and remake it with American actors, steal all the best stunts and add a plot that makes fun of alcoholism. Fantastic! Thank you Hollywood.

#9 Haunted Mansion
Director: Who cares?

After this and Pluto Nash Eddie Murphy’s career is now officially over.

#10 New York Minute
Director: Couldn’t be bothered finding out.

I must confess I haven’t actually watched this, but it stars the Olson twins so it would be shit for sure.


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