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DIDGE - The View From Down Under

An Aussie’s ridgy-didge view of world affairs and popular culture.

Friday, June 02, 2006

In thirty days it will be a totally moral war!

BBC: Ethics lessons for US Iraq troops

US-led troops in Iraq are to undergo ethical training in the wake of the alleged murder of civilians in Haditha.

For the next 30 days, they will receive lessons in "core warrior values", a military statement said.

And there's no one more ethically inclined than the Ultimate Warrior.

In a separate incident, US forces were accused of shooting dead a pregnant woman as she was rushed to hospital.

Seriously, do you really need thirty days of intensive values education to understand that massacres and shooting pregnant women to death tips more towards bad than good on the ethics-o-metre?

The news of ethical training for US-led troops is likely to be greeted with cynicism by many Iraqis, the BBC's Ian Pannell in Baghdad says, as the troops have long been accused of deliberately targeting civilians.

Yes, but Iraqis haven't seen the book US troops will be getting...


*sigh* And it just keeps getting worse...

BBC: New 'Iraq massacre' tape emerges

The BBC has uncovered new video evidence that US forces may have been responsible for the deliberate killing of 11 innocent Iraqi civilians.

The video appears to challenge the US military's account of events that took place in the town of Ishaqi in March.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Three Steps for a Happy Day

Step one: Get your favourite drink.

Step Two: Find a comfy chair.

Step Three: Wet your whistle, sit back and enjoy...

Bush job approval falls to 29 pct in new poll

Uncool and unusual punishment

Mullett a bully: secret report
By Nick McKenzie and Michael Bachelard - May 13, 2006

A new program to humiliate school bullies with bad haircuts?

Sadly, no...
POLICE union boss Paul Mullett has been accused of bullying and harassing colleagues in a damning confidential report that reveals deep divisions within Victoria's most powerful union.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

The Miners are free!!

ABC: Russell, Webb walk from gold mine

Great news! After fourteen nights being trapped in the Tasmanian mine, the miners have been rescued and about half an hour ago began the drive to hospital. Though watching them walk from the mine shaft they appeared to be in excellent shape considering what they have been through.

Though I had to roll my eyes at the people being interviewed on TV thanking god for this. Yeah, 'cause you know, those guys who worked for hours upon hours to free the miners didn't really do anything. It was all down to a special ghost, you see.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

R.I.P. satire

BBC: Radio host is new Bush spokesman

Oh, lovely satire, we morn ye.

I honesty have nothing witty to say about this. Apart from the fact that I’m not actually funny, how the fuck can you parody something like this when it in itself is a fucking parody.

President George W Bush has appointed a new press secretary - conservative radio presenter Tony Snow. Mr Snow replaces Scott McClellan, who resigned last week as part of a shake-up of Mr Bush's top staff. Announcing the appointment, President Bush praised Mr Snow - who sometimes had disagreed with him.

WHAT?!?!? Tony Snow has disagreed with Bush?! Wow, maybe things aren't as bad as they seem. I guess I was wrong to paint every Fox news host as a Bush lackey.

Correspondents say Mr Snow, who was a speechwriter for the president's father, has sometimes criticised Mr Bush for not being conservative enough.

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Er, Scott, ya want your old job back?

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

This is the definition of irony

Saturday, April 15, 2006

We Report. You Wank.

Recently I’ve started to wonder if the Fox News Channel was turning into a porn network. They’ve had their little moments before, but lately they’ve been showing quite a lot of near-naked woman.

Yesterday they went into overdrive. I saw, at least four times, various pictures of a woman in a bikini, in all kinds of poses, and I wasn’t even paying attention. I think it might have been linked to the “teacher sex scandal” plague that’s currently engulfing Fox. It's in very poor taste to show images like that. Though silly me, thinking Fox might have a tiny bit of integrity.

The idea that the story is in any way newsworthy, let alone deserved of repetition throughout the day, is idiotic. The fact that it enables them to constantly broadcast images of an attractive young woman in sexually provocative poses makes the whole thing even more dumb.

UPDATE: And indeed it is (Just found the story on Fox News Hounds):
Two Lusty Teacher Stories Appear Just In Time For FOX

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Tuesday Nature Blogging

Okay, so I haven’t updated for over a week, but it’s not like anyone reads this drivel*.

I could spend a few hours writing a very articulate post about Libby’s testimony that Bush authorised the leaking of sensitive information, but that would involve research and articulation and other communistish shit. So I present for your enjoyment, some photos that I took earlier.

* Except the CIA.

A glorious sunrise!

Any science nerds out there are free to comment on the technical name of this cloud formation.

A non-electrified possum.

And to end the series, a lovely sunset.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

My totally calm trip to Iraq

I’ve just got back from my visit to Baghdad! It was so fun and totally calm. According to the media everything is going to hell, but now that I’ve had firsthand experience, I can tell you they are a bunch of liars. Nobody was blown-up, there were no dead bodies in the streets, all the buildings were perfect, and girls skipped along the pavement, singing. All of this was so heartening, especially seeing the girls (the skipping laws under Saddam have been revoked).

I took this photo of a café in downtown Baghdad just to prove to all you communist, thinking types that everything is perfect.

Editor & Publisher: Congressional Candidate Slams Press Coverage of Iraq--With Bogus Photo

Friday, March 24, 2006

I’d have updated by now…

… if it wasn’t for the 24-hour Simpsons marathon currently running on FOX8.

Though I did manage to drag myself away from it to see a little of Bush’s third question and answer session with normal, everyday Americans*.

I caught one woman saying that her husband brought back a DVD from Iraq showing hours and hours of good things happening there. She said if only these wondrous things were shown by the evil media then not one bad word would be said about the invasion of Iraq. Not one! Well, maybe the people in Iraq who’ve had loved ones killed might still be pissed, but they don't count.

See, if footage of soldiers painting fences and giving sweets to children were shown on TV all the time then stories such as this one: 42 killed in Iraq, 14 more bodies found wouldn’t make anyone think that the whole invasion thing was a bad idea. Not anyone!

Oh, and by the way, YVAN EHT NIOJ!!!

* Republicans need only apply

Friday, March 17, 2006

Iraqi civilians, including children, killed in U.S. attack

CNN: U.S.-led raid kills civilians north of Balad
A U.S.-led raid on a suspected site of terror network al Qaeda in Iraq killed 11 civilians -- including five children -- according to Iraqi police, but the U.S. military said the death toll from the strike north of Balad was four. In addition to the children, the youngest of whom was 6 months old, the dead included four women and two men, police said.

DU: 11 Killed in U.S. Raid South of Samarra

The DU thread includes some really heartbreaking photos of the dead children. And now there’s breaking news about
a huge U.S. assault on Samarra. I wonder how many “terrorists” will end up dead, just like those unfortunate children. To add to this insanity, I’m getting really worried about the possibility of a U.S. terror attack against Iran, what with the reaffirmation for the “pre-emptive strike.”

Condi’s Comedy Tour Continues

The Age: Hello sailors: Rice hails democracy, even protests
By Brendan Nicholson - March 17, 2006

Dr Rice answered students' questions for almost an hour on issues ranging from levels of US aid to the war in Iraq and the injustices of Guantanamo Bay.

Then came chants from two protesters who had infiltrated the gathering to shout "Condoleezza Rice, you are a war criminal" and "You've blood on your hands. You cannot wash off that blood".

As the two were led out by security guards, Dr Rice responded: "I'm very pleased to see that democracy is alive and well at the university. And I hope it will also be alive at the University of Kabul and the University of Baghdad."
Now that’s some cutting edge satire from Condi. But just how fresh is Condi’s material? During one of Bush’s World Comedy Tours in 2003, ironically also in Australia, he quipped, “I love free speech!” … as two dissenting politicians were thrown out of the building for, um, speaking freely.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Imagine Andrew Bolt. Now imagine Andrew Bolt riding a giraffe.

I couldn’t be bothered writing about something important, so lazily I present this: the TVGasm Snark-O-Tron 8300. You type in a name of a person, and it spits out randomly generated insults. Sometimes it’s funny because it’s genuinely funny. But most of the time it’s funny because it’s not. I found TVGasm by way of Seb. Check out his most funny (and sometimes touching if it has anything to do with his piano teacher) blog.

Let the funny begin:

FYI: All the homeless people have been quietly fantasizing that Andrew Bolt and Hugh Jackman are lovers.

Is it true that Andrew Bolt and Andrew Bolt started a fan club for a gorilla?

Imagine Andrew Bolt. Now imagine Andrew Bolt going on a fishing trip with Santa Claus.

One of these days I'd like to see Oliver from The OC and Andrew Bolt open a French Bistro together.

If Andrew Bolt and Jeff Probst from Survivor had a conversation, it would probably go like this:
Andrew Bolt: Hey Jeff Probst.
Jeff Probst: Yeah?
Andrew Bolt: Do you mind if I bash in your eye?
Jeff Probst: Please don't.

* * *

The Queen is like Mike Tyson at a gay pride parade: Do I really need to say anything else?

I'd like The Queen to spend less time getting high and more time playing with humans.

I would love to see an episode of some show where The Queen discovers that her real mother is Andrew Bolt.

Why are people denying that Marissa Tomei and The Queen had sex in a dumpster?

FYI: I've been distributing leaflets which say The Queen sucks.

The Queen is so devoid of personality, I want to slap her ass.

Imagine The Queen. Now imagine The Queen wearing a duck.

I would love to see an episode of some show where The Queen sets fire to Andrew Bolt.

I have a great idea. Let's punch The Queen. Afterwards, we can tell people that she was gay.

Imagine The Queen. Now imagine The Queen eating Dame Judi Dench.

* * *

If George W. Bush and Clay from Survivor had a conversation, it would probably go like this:
George W. Bush: Hey Clay.
Clay: Yeah?
George W. Bush: Do you have any battery acid I can play with?
Clay: No.

I'd like George W. Bush to spend less time throwing anvils at humans and more time dreaming about Trishelle from The Real World.

I have a great idea. Connie Chung should dump scalding oil on George W. Bush. It's really more thought provoking than funny.

I'd like George W. Bush to spend less time getting high and more time getting high.

The worst thing about Donald Rumsfeld is that he has a mild penchant for selling crack to children.

* * *

Should I tell people that Joan Rivers and the guys from sadlyno.com had sex in Bea Arthur's bathroom?

I think I'd be really aroused, and I mean that sexually, if a giant bird fell from the sky and landed on the guys from sadlyno.com.

I'd like the guys from sadlyno.com to spend less time dreaming about humans and more time beating up Tony Danza.

Wouldn't it be excellent if the guys from sadlyno.com just died?

I would love to see an episode of some show where the guys from sadlyno.com crap on the guys from sadlyno.com.

The best thing about the guys from sadlyno.com is that they have an amazing talent for throwing acid at Tony Danza.

FYI: I've been hearing around town that the guys from sadlyno.com suck.

Favourite moment of the year? That time when the guys from sadlyno.com flashed their boob at the Olympics.

I would love to see an episode of some show where the guys from sadlyno.com discover that their real mother is the guys from sadlyno.com.

Wouldn't it be amazing if George W. Bush and the guys from sadlyno.com had a three-way with The Queen?

One of these days I'd like to see Kim Bauer from 24 and the guys from sadlyno.com share a bubble bath and discuss lupus.

Wouldn't it be awesome if the guys from sadlyno.com were caught having sex with George W. Bush?

* * *

I would love to see an episode of some show where that guy from didge says ''It's official. I look like Kirstie Alley'' and then cry in the arms of the guys from sadlyno.com.

If I were stuck on a desert island with that guy from didge, I would kill myself with a knife.

I have a great idea. Let's throw acid at that guy from didge.

If that guy from didge and the guys from sadlyno.com had a conversation, it would probably go like this:
that guy from didge: Hey the guys from sadlyno.com.
the guys from sadlyno.com: Yeah?
that guy from didge: I find you very attractive.

I think I'd be really pleased, nay, overjoyed if that guy from didge put on some assless chaps, jumped onto Gorbechev, and yelled ''Take me to Compton. Momma's gotta get some crack!''.

Say what you will, but I've been secretly selling t-shirts which say that that guy from didge sucks.

I would love to see an episode of some show where that guy from didge discusses his pathetic existence with Andrew Bolt.

I would love to see an episode of some show where that guy from didge discovers that his father is Andrew Bolt.

Yikes! I think we shall leave it there.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Pat Robertson is Satanic

Or something like that.

BBC: Top US evangelist targets Islam
Tuesday, 14 March 2006

Outspoken US Christian evangelical broadcaster Pat Robertson has accused Muslims of planning world domination, and said some were "satanic". On his live television programme, The 700 Club, he said radical Islamists were inspired by "demonic power".

So I guess it’s Christ’s love that inspires a desire to assassinate people.

On the programme, the 75-year-old preacher responded to a news item about the reaction of Muslims in Europe to the publishing of cartoons satirising the Prophet Muhammad. The footage showed Muslims screaming "May Allah bomb you! May Osama Bin Laden bomb you!"

Mr Robertson said the pictures "just shows the kind of people we're dealing with. These people are crazed fanatics, and I want to say it now: I believe it's motivated by demonic power. It is satanic and it's time we recognize what we're dealing with".

I was planning on writing something witty here but since I’m impaired with the funny I’ll keep it simple:

Muslim Crowds Decry Cartoons, Violent Retort
Mary Jordan, Washington Post Foreign Service - Sunday, February 12, 2006

Thousands of Muslims in London and other European cities rallied peacefully Saturday to condemn both published cartoons of the prophet Muhammad and the violent reactions to them.

Abderrahmane Morabet came to the Paris rally with his (children). He said he was frustrated that only extremists seem to be shown on the evening news: "When we protest like this, nobody listens to us. They only do when embassies burn."

The BBC story continues:

He went on to say that "Islam is not a religion of peace", and "the goal of Islam, ladies and gentlemen whether you like it or not, is world domination".
You know, just like the Spice Girls.

Mr Robertson said in a statement later he was referring specifically to terrorists as being motivated by Satan.
I just love the fact that he has his own TV show but needs to release statements on what he actually meant. Now if only The 700 Club went for three hours he’d be able to get his message across clearly.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Obligatory Oscar post

I’ve never been a huge fan of the Oscar Awards. So many stupid decisions over the years (such as Julia Roberts beating Ellen Burstyn) have resulted in me caring very little for it. But since this year there was an unusually high emphasis on good American films I had a little peak (and the fact that I’m a squealing Jon Stewart fan might have had a hand in it). I haven’t seen Brokeback yet, but I’m pleased Crash won best picture. But my favourite speech would have to be Ang Lee’s:

"Their names are Ennis and Jack, and they taught all of us who made Brokeback Mountain so much about not just the gay men and women whose love is denied by society but, just as important, the greatness of love itself."
Am I the only person who found Reese Witherspoon's speech to be agonisingly twee? I love the girl, but I mean, damn!

And while I’m talking about films, I have to mention that I watched Wong Kar Wai’s Happy Together last week. What a sumptuous, moody and intelligent film!

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Bigger Your Small-Size Peniis

Well, thank goodness! I was really getting tired of all those dangerous and unnatural ways to bigger my size servants.

More classy spam:


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Is the Bush regime coming to an end?

Most likely it’s not. It seems they can do anything and get away with it. *Sigh*

A new video shows US President George W Bush and other top officials receiving strong warnings about the potential impact of Hurricane Katrina a day before the storm struck New Orleans.

The video shows federal disaster officials warning Mr Bush and his homeland security chief in dramatic and sometimes agonising terms. The president asked no questions during the final government-wide briefing, but assured soon-to-be battered state officials that "We are fully prepared". Katrina struck on August 29,killing more than 1,300 people, many in New Orleans.